“No significant learning can occur without a significant relationship.” James Comer
Relationships are at the heart of education. They have to be. Relationships should be, in my humble opinion, the priority of every school. Why do I say this? Because I’ve seen what happens when schools put in the effort to establish positive relationships with pupils and parents. And, unfortunately, I’ve seen what can happen when positive relationships are lacking. The experience and the outcome for learners and families is massively influenced by relationships within education.
School Avoidance Awareness Week
Next week is School Avoidance Awareness Week in the UK. If this is something your family has been affected by, you’ll know only too well the massive impact this can have on a child and on their family. School Avoidance can occur for a variety of reasons including unmet support needs, bullying, trauma outside school, illness or injury and mental ill health such as anxiety or depression. As I discussed in my earlier blog about the return to school, neurodivergent pupils are commonly among those who struggle to attend. In our case, I would attribute school avoidance to autistic burnout, school not being the right environment and years worth of negative school experience as a neurodivergent learner.
School Avoidance Awareness Week was launched in the UK in 2023 by Sunshine Support, an organisation which provides advice and support for parents, carers, teachers and other professionals caring for children with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities.
I wanted to write a blog post relating to School Avoidance Awareness Week because I really think it’s something we need to be talking about more. However, there are already numerous articles about school avoidance which I touched on in Back to School: Our Way I don’t need to attempt to regurgitate them. Instead, I’ll focus my writing on the aspect that I always come back to whenever I discuss school and education - relationships.
Relationships leave lasting memories…and scars
Cast your mind back to your own school days. Which teachers still hold a place in your memory? For me, there are two in particular; both maths teachers. Maths was my least favourite subject at school yet Mrs A was my favourite teacher. I remember her as a kind lady with a sharp sense of humour and as someone who believed in me and genuinely wanted me to do well. I never felt particularly confident in school, especially in a maths class but I felt safe in her classroom. Although she wasn’t my Guidance teacher, she was the teacher who always enquired about how my weekend had been and how university applications were progressing. She had seen past my struggles with maths and saw me as a person worth investing time in.
Across the corridor was Mr B, another maths teacher. Unlike Mrs A, he knew nothing about me other than the fact that I was not very good at maths. Unfortunately for me, he was the teacher appointed to support my year group in applying for university and who told me one Wednesday afternoon that I should consider alternatives to primary teaching because “You look good on paper but you won’t get through the interviews. You need to be more confident for that.” I was crushed.
Thankfully the story has a happy ending. I proved him wrong, got through the interviews and secured a place at my first choice of university. As soon as I shared this result with Mrs A she was so delighted that she took me by the hand with my offer letter and led me to Mr B’s room to show him. I've often wondered whether she somehow knew what he had said to me or if she just wanted to celebrate my news and he was the nearest person.
I’ve thought of Mr B’s words many times over the years and of how he made me feel - like a hopeless failure, not good enough for the career I had my heart set on. I thought of him when I graduated, when I got my first teaching job, when I was promoted and now, tonight, because I’m thinking of examples of teachers who made a child’s time at school harder.
Why does it matter?
I strongly believe that the best educators value relationships as the most effective way to understand a child and to know how best to teach and support them. These are the teachers who know the name of the family pet and remember where a child is going on holiday. Yes, this is a lot to ask of teachers. It’s well known that teachers have a heavy workload and attainment targets to meet. However, when I was teaching I found that the better I got to know a child, the easier it was to find ways to help them learn. And the happier and more successful their school experience would be. Imagine the consequences of a child spending 5 days per week in a place where the relationships are not positive. Nobody wants to think of their child spending the day feeling anxious, lonely or not valued.
A Tale of Two Schools
I've seen firsthand how different approaches to relationships can make a stark difference in school culture and pupil well-being.
Let me tell you about two different primary schools only 35 miles apart but with a massive gulf in their approach to nurturing community. I have witnessed late comers being greeted in each school.
In school A, late children were lined up at the school office where the school secretary enquired as to their reason for being late. The majority of the children on this particular day looked to be of an age where they would have relied on an adult to get them to school. In the earshot of any visitors to the school each child was asked to explain why they were late. The secretary told them that they should make sure they are on time for school in future and sent them off to class. I was left wondering two things: Firstly, how would this welcome influence the rest of the day for these children. Would they arrive in class, worried about getting into more trouble from their teacher, flustered and upset at having been reprimanded rather than happy and ready to learn? Secondly, did this scene serve as an example of the wider culture of the school?
Meanwhile, in school B, children arriving late filed through the designated “late door” where an adult awaited them with a smile and a friendly chat. In this school, staff had formed relationships with families and knew the family circumstances of these children so there was no need for an interrogation about what had possibly already been a stressful morning. Children could turn up at school knowing that there would be no reproach for arriving late - staff were just happy that they had made it into school and appreciated that young children have very little control over ensuring punctuality.
As a Teacher...
I remember attending the annual Welcome to Primary 1 session at a school I worked at where the headteacher emphasised the importance of parents/carers and school staff working together. As she put it, “We’re experts in educating and you’re experts in your children”. I think this is so true: how can we educate a child without really understanding and knowing them? In most cases, parents are the people best placed to help a teacher to understand their child.
I embraced the ethos of that school and did my utmost to nurture positive relationships. I tried to treat children as I would want my own to be treated by their teachers and to treat their parents and carers in the way I would want to be treated.
As a Parent...
Working in a relationship focused school made it very difficult to experience being a parent at a school with a different approach. After several years of trying to work in partnership with the school, we ended up moving our child to a different school where relationships and nurture were at the heart of their policies. This did not mean that we went marching up to the school demanding to see teachers as and when we felt like it. It meant that if we had a valid reason to speak with a teacher, this would be accommodated and we could work together to resolve issues. This was made all the easier by the fact that the staff in school had formed relationships with our son so understood our concerns and what support was needed. Equally, if they had concerns or questions they would pick up the phone and we would work together to come up with ways to support. In trying to work with them to support my son, I was never made to feel like “that parent”.
This was in stark contrast to Jamie’s first school. I dreaded making contact with the school because I felt sure I was thought of as “that parent”. This was particularly the case when we asked to discuss concerns about our child and was met with the suggestion that we wait for parents' evening. Six weeks away! When we did push to speak to a teacher sooner, their lack of relationship with our child meant that they were not really in a position to understand or help. While I acknowledge that the lack of positive relationships in school are not the sole cause of school trauma for my son, I do feel that this was a major contributing factor. I know that there are caring, nurturing staff in that school. However, not every school environment suits every child and as parents, we had to find a school where relationships and nurture were prioritised because that was what our child needed.
Two Way Street
I think it's also important to acknowledge the role of parents in fostering positive relationships with their children's schools. I would suggest that the relationship between parents and teacher is important for every single child. However, this article is focused largely on children for whom attending school is a problem. It seems a reasonable expectation that there could be even greater need for positive relationships between parents and school.
Just as in any relationship, both parties need to want a relationship to work and this must involve respect and compassion on both sides. I’ve seen parents upset because they feel their concerns are not listened to. I’ve also witnessed instances of verbal attacks directed at teachers by upset parents. That’s never going to be conducive to a good relationship. Neither is the blame culture where both school and parents feel the other is to blame for school avoidance. Regardless of job titles or relationship to the child, what is needed is for a group of humans to work together to support the child.
Building these relationships requires open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work together.
I’m so grateful that we have been able to develop such positive relationships with the staff involved in Jamie’s high school education. Over the last two years I feel that we have worked as a team to support Jamie. I respect their knowledge and expertise, just as they respect mine. They too value relationships and have invested so much time and effort into getting to know and understand Jamie so that they can support him in the most appropriate way. For numerous reasons, going to school is anxiety provoking for Jamie. However - and I think this is huge - thanks to the relationships the school staff have nurtured, he actually wants to keep trying. I don’t know what more proof anyone could ask for that positive relationships are the most important thing in a school.
Final Thoughts
It's clear that the quality of relationships between students, teachers, and parents can significantly impact a child's educational journey and overall well-being. Positive relationships create a safe, supportive, and nurturing environment where students feel valued, understood, and motivated to learn. Conversely, negative relationships can lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and disengagement.
If the aim of schools is to improve attendance and, in turn attainment, I think that focusing on building and maintaining positive relationships needs to be the foundation of their practice. However, it's also important to recognise that for some children, traditional school environments may not be the best fit. In these cases, families need support in finding alternative paths suited to their child.
I encourage you to follow and support School Avoidance Awareness Week from the 23rd to the 27th of September. By raising awareness, sharing knowledge, and working together, we can make strides in supporting children who struggle to access school.
Captured beautifully. Relationships are everything. ❤️