School Leaver - Saying goodbye to my teaching career

I’ve found this hard to write. I had already written this post, full of the thoughts and phrases that have been whirling around my head for the last few years. I have, after all, spent a lot of time dreaming about the day I could say “I’m not a teacher anymore”. However, the piece I initially wrote wasn’t what I wanted to share; it was downright depressing! So I’m starting again but this time I’m thinking of it as a farewell to the career I gave half my lifetime to. Yes, I wanted to leave, I had to get out. But I think it’s also worth remembering all the things I loved during my time as a teacher. They've been well and truly buried for the last few years but writing this has helped them to resurface.

Once I’d moved on from the “owning a hundred horses” phase, all I ever wanted to do when I grew up was to be a teacher. So off I went straight from school to university to complete a degree in Primary Education then straight into the classroom as Miss Ferguson. I had every intention of spending my working life in a classroom. I absolutely loved it. Twenty one years later I can still fondly recall the wee faces and names of every child in my first class. I looked forward to seeing them every morning and cried like a baby at the end of my year with them. 

It sounds corny but it really is a privilege to be able to play such an important part in a child’s life. The relationships I’ve had with the children I’ve taught have been so precious to me. I still remember how excited my class was when another teacher helped them to surprise me with a party to celebrate my wedding. That was the same class who declared me a “hero” when I joined in to make up the numbers in a rounders tournament and we won. Nobody before or since has referred to me as a hero in relation to any kind of sporting activity! Another fond memory is bouncing on a bouncy castle in the assembly hall with my nursery team when there were no kids in school. There really were fun times!

There's always an excuse to dress up in a primary

school!

I didn’t just have parties and play on bouncy castles though, I also managed to teach these kids and I loved learning about how they learned and exploring new ways to teach.

Of course, teaching isn’t solely about being with the children and over my career I have worked with many colleagues. I have probably learned something (good or bad) from each one of them and I’ve been fortunate to have taught alongside some remarkable people who I hugely admire on a personal and professional level.

While promotion had never been part of my plan, I did find myself spending three years as a Principal Teacher. During this time I learned that it didn’t matter what position I held, I worried about whether I was good enough. I couldn't shake the imposter syndrome and continued to worry constantly that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I discovered that middle management is a tricky place to be: I worried about whether my team was happy with how I was managing them as well as what my managers thought. I was responsible for a large team and lot of children, some of whom were vulnerable and that came with a heavy workload and stress but I’m really glad I had the opportunity to push myself in this role and forever grateful to the people who showed such belief in me when I didn’t even believe in myself.

As I sit writing now, I’m listening to music which still takes me back to the Easter holidays of 2017 which I spent in Costa writing a report for an impending inspection. When I think back to our family holiday in France that summer I recall driving through the beautiful French countryside and instead of relishing being in a beautiful place with my family, I was having imaginary conversations in my head with an inspector. Ridiculous! Even when I was about to leave that stressful job, I worried myself sick about the handover to the point that I found myself at the Lion King show in Disney World on a holiday we had spent years saving for, making handover notes on my phone. I’m not proud of this, I should have been watching the show and watching my children’s faces as they watched. What I want to add is that I loved the people I worked with here and many of them are still good friends. The problem is me and my ability to manage my stress and anxiety.

 For a long time, I felt that the problem was purely me and that I just had to put up with work. The problem is partly me but I’ve now decided that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t change things. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned more about myself. I’ve accepted that my anxiety has a huge impact on how I cope with situations. While I work hard to manage my anxiety, I can also now objectively see that some leadership styles are more “Katie/anxiety” friendly than others. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is too short to put up with situations which make us unhappy. Nobody should be crying on the drive to work or unable to eat or sleep on school nights as, I’m embarrassed to say, I was. 

With hindsight, I realise that for the duration of my career I felt more anxious about work than was normal. The Sunday dreads were very real for me! Even when I liked my school, working with a brilliant team who were actually my friends, I still often felt nervous about going to work. I tried to avoid planning anything nice on Sundays because I knew I would have the thought of work hanging over me like a cloud. Best not to think about how many Sundays I wasted worrying instead of living my life.

My last couple of years in teaching were really horrible, I can’t really think of a more eloquent way to describe it. Looking back, there was a lot of change to contend with as I moved between different settings. My anxiety wasn’t behaving and Covid undeniably played a part in how the job was done. I wasn't working with families anymore, I wasn't part of a team. I didn't feel that I was making a difference and that bothered me. I turned up, smiled and pretended I was fine however I was feeling. Until I couldn’t anymore. 

I was at an all time low when I stumbled across a group on facebook called Life After Teaching - Exit the Classroom and Thrive and was horrified and relieved in equal measure to discover that there were tens of thousands of teachers feeling how I felt. People in the group spoke of the “Pit Pony” video and that’s when I started to have some hope that there may be a way out. 

I’m a pretty pragmatic person and despite my anxiety around work, I really never thought that giving up my job could be an option. James and I had set up and established our life and it was partly funded by my salary. I knew that so many people were unhappy at work but for most it was just a necessary evil - something to be put up with. I really felt that there must just be something wrong with me because I couldn’t cope with my job. I wasn’t managing to “just put up” with my job like others did. There are people who love their jobs, it gives them purpose and satisfaction. I was no longer one of those people; I went to work because we needed the money, no other reason. On watching the Pit Pony video, filmed by the founding members of “Life After Teaching”, the penny dropped that I didn’t actually need to replace my full salary with a single job. I should be looking at multiple income streams. This was a continuation of ongoing conversations I’d been having with a close

friend who had recently left her job.

I started to wonder if, just maybe, I wasn’t as trapped as I thought. I started to daydream about being able to find other ways to earn money and actually being able to resign. It felt so empowering to begin working on my exit plan. The plan was to get to the summer and start to explore other opportunities for earning which could eventually replace my teaching salary. We had worked out the minimum amount I needed to earn and would aim for that initially. James and I discussed the fact that if the children weren’t so happy and settled, we would have seriously considered downsizing and reducing mortgage costs. However, that was just not an option. I couldn't uproot the kids for the sake of my happiness. 

Despite all my lovely daydreams about resigning, my departure from teaching was a more complicated and drawn out process than I would have hoped for. I wasn’t able to hold on to execute my escape plan. My anxiety reached the stage where there was no decision to be made - I walked out of school one day knowing I had to get signed off. I had hoped that a few weeks to sort myself out would help but within days of me being signed off it became apparent that our son was really struggling so my attention moved to him. As he continued to struggle, unable to attend school, I had to keep extending my sick leave. This had never been in our financial plan as I moved from full pay to half pay to no pay. But as a family, we all felt that the sacrifice was worth what we were gaining. We were in the fortunate position of having some rainy day savings and felt that our current position constituted a very rainy day.

After a year off, I was able to arrange a two year career break. In my heart of hearts, I knew that really I was just buying myself time; I couldn’t go back. At times I felt like a failure. I know that millions of people have to endure jobs which are bad for their mental health but they somehow keep going while I hadn’t been able to. I guess my situation is complicated because of our family needs. I never got the chance to see if I could overcome my anxiety and cope with teaching again but my gut tells me that that chapter of my life is over. 

So in March this year I did it - I resigned. In some ways, it was very easy for me because there was no decision to be made; right now I’m not able to work, I need to be at home for Jamie, and it had become apparent that this would still be the case by the end of my career break. The relief in the days following my resignation was immense. It must sound ridiculous but I felt like I had won the lottery - without the money. Instead I had won my time, the most precious commodity.  I realise I’ve glossed over the financial implications. That was scary (and I wouldn’t want to guess how many hours I spent working out finances) but never as scary as the thought of going back into school. I know that we are fortunate to still have James’s wage. In future posts I hope to share how I’m learning to make money work for us and my previous post explains how I’m working on designing a life I love despite having less money. 

In the end, I HAD to stop working to care for my son.  Had I been working in my dream job I would still have had to leave. But this was not the case. I was miserable in my job and was already exploring an exit plan. So I know that I would have left teaching. Caring for Jamie is the reason I am not currently working but it is not the reason I had to leave teaching. It just so happened that my anxiety, falling out of love with teaching and Jamie’s burnout all coincided. If and when I do return to the world of work it will not be to teaching.

Although I have said goodbye to my teaching career, I’m so grateful for the friends I made over my career who are still special people in my life. They are the only ones who have shared teaching memories with me, we weathered some storms but we also had fun together. With the benefit of time, it’s easier to reflect now and see that teaching was the right job for me for a lot of years, it’s just not anymore. And most importantly, those cheesy assembly songs will stay with me forever and ever and ever…

It's been two years since I’ve set foot in a primary school and I can now walk past them without feeling anxious. I’m able to focus on my family and I’m enjoying exploring other things (currently this blog!) and am open to embracing new opportunities. I’ve always been a “Five Year Plan” kind of girl with an aversion to uncertainty so I’m actually amazed at how calm I feel about not knowing how I’m going to bring in money if we need it in the future. When I start to worry about this I remind myself of a little mantra I adopted from my happiness guru, Mo Gawdat: “Life is now and now is amazing.”

I know that there are so many people out there, teachers or otherwise, who are unhappy and feel trapped. My route out was far from ideal but we’re making it work for now and I hope that this gives others hope. I desperately want more people to realise that while the change may be hard and messy, we are seldom as trapped as we think we are.

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