Keeping Up With the Joneses: Swapping FOMO for JOMO

Keeping up with the Joneses - to always want to own the same expensive objects and do the same things as your friends or neighbours, because you are worried about seeming less important socially than they are - Cambridge Dictionary

I admit it. I’ve been guilty of this in the past. I don’t think I purposefully set out to do and have all the same things as my friends. But there have been moments of seeing someone else’s new house or car or handbag and thinking, “I’d like that too.”

Sometimes, we simply want something because we genuinely like it. There are times however, where these objects become sought after more because of what we think they allude to about our social standing.

Falling Behind

The notion of “keeping up” suggests to me that someone is in danger of being behind. Imagine being in a running race and trying to keep up. It’s bound to be a stressful experience. I think the same stress would apply, perhaps even more so, when trying to keep up in life. Life shouldn’t be perceived as a race but for someone in pursuit of keeping up with others, it must sometimes feel like that.

When I look back, I think it can be difficult to distinguish between trying to “keep up” with others and just being at a similar life stage. For example, we moved into our current house as a young couple with a baby. Most of the houses around us were also occupied by young couples with a baby. When the time was right for us, we had our second baby. It happened that the time was also right for several of our friends and neighbours. I don’t think for one second that any of us were having babies to keep up with each other! We were just at the same stage in life. As those babies grew, many homes around us added a furry friend to their family. We were also in that club. I know that we were making these life decisions based on what was right for us as a family. While writing this piece, however, I have to ask myself how I would have felt had we been unable to make these progressions while everyone around us was.

Status symbols

When it comes to material things, however, I’d have to look harder at my thinking process.

I’ve never been particularly interested in cars. However, I’m not proud to say that when we were in the market for a new car I did find myself thinking “What does this car say about us? - Does it say we’re successful in life?” I admit there are some cars I didn’t want based on their badge. I picked myself up on this unalluring merit one day while listening to a podcast. The guest was discussing the topic of keeping up for the sake of appearances and posed a thought provoking question along the lines of:

“If all cars felt the same to drive but were invisible to everyone else, would you care what badge it displayed?”

I realised that I wouldn’t care at all. I’d even have driven a Lada! Was I actually buying this car for myself or for people to admire as they walked past it in our drive and think “Oh look, Katie’s got a nice car. She mustn’t be a total failure!”?

Breaking Free

After quitting my teaching career, even had we wanted to, we couldn’t have kept up with what everyone else seemed to be doing - new cars, major home renovations, foreign holidays. For a while, I was conscious of this more for the sake of the children. I worried about them being embarrassed by a less impressive house than their friends or being dropped off at school in the oldest car.

However, it didn’t take me long to realise that we had simply made a choice. Consumerism comes at a price which we could not afford without me working and we were fully convinced that no car or material possession was worth going back to living the life we had been living. I began to notice little changes in the thoughts that popped into my head. Where previously I had looked at certain cars or homes with a desire to have something similar, I began to think “Beautiful..but would I be prepared to give up my time and freedom in exchange for it?” The answer was a resounding NO every single time. I’ve now noticed that as I walk locally and observe all the different types of cars in drives, I’m no longer in the least bit interested in the swish motors. The ones I’m intrigued by are the old bangers. I find myself curious about what lifestyle decisions their owners have made. What fascinating things are they choosing to do instead of updating their cars?

FOMO or JOMO?

Even looking outside our own neighbourhoods, social media does a grand job of sharing other people’s successes, often leading to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). It can be hard for people to not feel that they are missing out when they are constantly presented with others displaying all the best aspects of their lives. For some, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy and disappointment as they strive to achieve the unattainable. It’s easy to forget that so many of these perfect lives we are shown are in fact paid advertisements for products. Even when we watch TV, adverts try to suggest to us all the things we need to improve our lives.

Increasingly, I’m aware of increasing talk of JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out) and I’m very much drawn to this notion. Rather than asking ourselves what we are missing out on, I’d suggest focusing on what we are choosing instead. In my case, rather than seeing myself as missing out on owning a flash car, I have given myself the gift of my time and freedom.  I’ve given this a lot of thought and I cannot think of a material object that I would be willing to give up my freedom to afford. Embracing JOMO allows us to find joy in what we already have, reducing the stress and anxiety commonly associated with FOMO.

Psychological Effect

I can appreciate that there are arguments to support the culture of Keeping Up - not necessarily with the Joneses but with community or society. Is it really so wrong for people to be inspired or motivated by the successes of desirable possessions of others? 

The danger is when we find ourselves constantly comparing ourselves to others. Constant attempts to keep up with others can be both emotionally and financially draining. There is a risk of losing sight of what actually matters to us and potentially living beyond our means in order to “keep up”. For some, this can also involve being trapped in a job to allow us to keep up with the lifestyle we feel we should have. Living under this comparison culture has been linked to high stress levels and mental health issues.

In "Affluenza: How Overconsumption is Killing Us—And How to Fight Back", Oliver James examines how Western capitalism and consumer culture pressure individuals to constantly acquire more. His research shows that this pursuit can lead to “affluenza,” a condition characterised by excessive consumption, materialism, and its associated psychological toll, such as anxiety and depression. 

Breaking Free

If we’re going to opt out of the Keeping up with the Joneses lifestyle, we need to know what we want from life; what we need to feel happy and fulfilled. If that’s a beautiful home or the latest handbag - go for it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring nice things. But it must be because that’s what YOU want, not what society has told you you should want. Ultimately we have to allow ourselves to not care what others think about our lifestyle choices. Having the confidence to prioritise following our own way of living often becomes easier as age and life experience increase and I think it’s possible to find the balance between enjoying material success and being trapped by it. 

I’ve previously written about my decision to adopt frugality and choose experiences over material possessions. That simply would not work in combination with Keeping Up with the Joneses. So I don’t even try. The time I have spent over these last few years, considering my priorities and the type of life I want, helps me to feel confident in my realisation that this particular game is not for me.

In a world constantly urging us to consume and compare, breaking free of this cycle can give us the chance to reclaim what truly matters—our time, our happiness, and our freedom.

So here’s my challenge to you: next time you feel the urge to upgrade your car, buy a piece of expensive jewellery, or renovate your home because others are doing it—pause. Ask yourself, "Am I doing this for myself, or to keep up with others?”

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