From Playdates to Prospectuses: A Parent's Countdown to University

University Countdown

I recently heard a statistic that I hated. Apparently, by the time our children are 18 we will have spent 90% of the time we will have together with them! 

Hearing this statistic made me feel a bit sick because my eldest, Vaila, will be 18 next year. If this statistic is to be believed, we’ve already spent the majority of our time together, and the next chapter is looming. The university countdown is on!

I remember when she started high school, I felt that my husband and I were not old enough, or grown up enough, to have a child in high school. I knew that she was ready for this next stage, I just wasn’t sure that I was. And now here I am, seemingly old enough to be attending university open days - not for me but for my little girl.

It's 25 years since I was doing the rounds of university open days for myself but I do recall the feelings of excitement mixed with nerves, sitting in lecture theatres trying to decide if I could imagine living in the various cities.

The Familiar Faces

It’s an altogether different experience this time round. There’s still the nerves, still the excitement on behalf of my daughter but there’s also the ache of nostalgia and sadness. At each open day, we’ve bumped into people I recognise from baby and toddler groups and sometimes I just can’t get my head around the fact that we’re all here; these people who I used to chat to about nap times and CBeebies are all here with those toddlers who have served their time at school and matured into young adults.

I used to meet these people while pushing Vaila in her buggy and we’d chat about play dates or sleep routines. Now we’re comparing universities and enquiring as to what the “babies” are hoping to study. I suspect that in these conversations we’re all going through the motions and having surface level chats but inside each of us is thinking, “How did we get here?!”

Open Days: Decisions Decisions

Currently, I spend my Saturdays exploring universities with Vaila. Each open day we’ve attended has had a buzz in the air - rooms full of young people excited about the possibilities which could await them at this place, experiencing student life and launching them into their dream careers. It’s not always a jolly day out though - at each open day I’ve observed (and been one of) stressed families trying to navigate their way through buildings to get to lectures on time, teenagers who look like they’d rather be anywhere else with parents frustrated by their lack of enthusiasm. I’ve also been really struck by how alike so many parents and teens look now, as the teenagers grow into younger versions of their parents. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that university open days are up there with airports for people watching locations!

For the kids going on to further education after school, they are faced with so many decisions. Not only are they selecting the subject they wish to study; they have to also decide which university most appeals as well as ascertain whether they would want to live in the town or city to which it belongs. I can understand why Vaila feels overwhelmed at times.

To be 17 and trying to choose the “correct” direction for your future is a huge burden. I try to impress upon Vaila that her decision about which university or which degree does not have to determine the rest of her life. All she really needs to do right now is choose what she wants to do next. Despite a shift in culture whereby less and less people select a career and stick with it for life, it seems a lot of youngsters still feel the pressure of choosing a degree which will get them into a "good job". I hope that attending these open days will help my girl to find her passion so that she can be guided by that.

Containing emotions

We have sat in various lectures about marketing, design and psychology and I’ve been fascinated. I have actually felt butterflies of excitement for Vaila because I know she will thrive in any of these environments. During one lecture, the lecturer spoke of some of the more challenging aspects of her course. It made me feel a bit nervous because it was maths related and it’s really not my strong point. But then I remembered that Vaila is brilliant at maths and I was overwhelmed with pride. In that moment I desperately wanted to throw my arms around her and tell her how proud I am. I don’t think she would have thanked me though so I just sat nicely like all the other parents and basked in my feelings of pride and relief that I didn’t actually have to do the hard maths.

 Study Abroad

The opportunity to spend a semester abroad as part of her studies is an important component of university selection for Vaila. I’m delighted that she wants to get out there and experience other countries. And I’m in awe of her bravery, I’m not sure that I would have had that spirit of adventure at her age. I’ve already imagined jetting off to visit her while she’s abroad and having her show me a new place.

However, as we sat in a dark, overheated room listening to a talk about studying abroad, I found myself being swamped by less pleasant thoughts. Thoughts of airport goodbyes, potential middle of the night calls from a homesick girl. Luckily the session finished before I could really get into the catastrophising but it was a reminder to me that I am going to have to learn how to cope with not constantly being on hand to pick her up or fix everything.

The Practicalities

I admit I might be in danger of open day fatigue. For reasons I cannot fathom, several universities hold open days on the same dates. In our case, this has made it impossible to attend all the universities my daughter had hoped to see. One Saturday, we managed to attend two open days on opposite sides of Edinburgh. Having found that pretty stressful and agreeing that trying to do two in one day was not a good idea, we’re now planning to cover two more in different cities later this month!

As for the UCAS (University and College Admissions Service) process, while school teachers are largely supporting Vaila and her cohort through this, it is regularly the topic of dinner conversation. In addition to selecting the 5 courses she wants to apply for, the task of submitting the perfect Personal Statement is weighing heavily on her. As another friend going through the process with her own daughter pondered, “How are you supposed to be uniquely outstanding by the time you’re 16?”

It is not lost on me that being so busy working out the logistics and finances, applying and taking in so much information is distracting me, to an extent, from the massive emotional transition we will be experiencing this time next year. I’m quite grateful for that!

Relocation

The accommodation we’ve visited so far has been an eye-opener.  We have viewed some perfectly acceptable rooms - with en-suites no less! In contrast, we have also visited some accommodation which seemed to shock every parent and student into a horrified silence. Touring one particular building almost made me giggle out loud as nobody uttered a word, instead communicating with wide eyes eyes and raised eyebrows. I don’t think anyone could quite believe what we were seeing (or smelling) as we took in the breezeblock walks, dingy rooms, cramped shared shower and numerous cobwebs and live spiders. It was almost October - Halloween decorations perhaps?...

Once outside, I actually overheard another mum voice my own feeling: "There's no danger I could leave you in that”. 

I’m trying so hard to be positive about everything and allow Vaila to make up her own mind but I have my limits and we were in strong agreement about this particular accommodation. Over lunch I was texting a friend who has been visiting English universities with her daughter and she confirmed having also seen their share of “prison - like” abodes. 

Inside the nicer accommodation, I've watched Vaila peek into rooms and check whether bathrooms are up to her standards and her excitement is infectious. There are some campuses that she’s been able to envisage herself attending - and I can too. I’m grateful for these opportunities to visit because it will help me to picture her in her new environment once she starts.

Our central location puts Vaila in the enviable position of being within commuting distance to many universities in different cities. She does plan to live away from home but also has the reassurance that she will not be too far away to come home for an evening or for us to pop through for lunch. It’s a stark contrast to my own experience. I grew up in a small town and going off to uni meant being far from home: commuting was never an option going home for a weekend entailed three trains and a car journey. 

I don’t think my younger brother will mind me sharing that he felt homesick when he first started uni. Being only an hour away in Edinburgh I was able to jump on a train and we spent a lovely day together in his new home city. To know that I’ll be able to do the same for Vaila is as much a comfort (maybe even more so) to me as it is to her. 

Mummy the Mature Student

It’s a running joke between us that I’m going to uni with Vaila and we have daft chats about what we’ll do in our new city - lunching, nights out, the odd bit of study. However, one day - quite soon - we’re going to have to get real. I’m not going anywhere! I’ve had my turn at uni. She’s doing this all by herself.

I find myself wondering, as I did when she started primary school, will she make friends? Will they be good friends? Throughout her life she has forged great friendships and she has a lovely close knit group of friends. To me, this is testament to her ability to judge character so I have no reason to worry about her making new friends…but I’m her mum, so I do.

I haven’t yet allowed myself to give much thought as to what MY life will be like once she's off on her adventures. I’ve imagined lovely trips to see her, catching up over lunch or helping her to make her room pretty. I can’t yet imagine what it’s going to be like to not have her come home every day, to sit at the table for dinner, to watch TV together. And I can't even let myself think of poor Toby Dog’s sad eyes when he doesn’t understand where his Vaila is! 

It’s reassuring to know a couple of people who have already gone through this transition and I know I’ll be frequenting facebook groups where I’ve seen other mums share their experience of children flying the nest.

Ready for the next chapter

While I’m glad that Vaila will be geographically not too far away (until the study abroad opportunity arises but let’s take this one step at a time), I do know that I’m going to have to start preparing to let go. And I know it’s going to be hard. 

At every milestone, our girl has proven herself as ready and capable so as we approach this new chapter, I’m determined to embrace the changes as well as cherishing the time I have with all four of us living under one roof.

While I'm sad to see this chapter of our lives end and nervous of the huge change, I'm also excited to witness my wonderful daughter prepare to spread her wings and find her place in the world. I can't wait to see what the future holds for Vaila and our family.

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