From Italy to Holland: Embracing a New Normal for Our Family

Shortly after Jamie had received his ASD diagnosis, the essay “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley (which I've included at the bottom of this page) was shared as part of a Parenting Autism course. The author is the mother of a child with additional support needs. Maybe partly because it had been shown in video form, it was quite emotive and really struck a chord with me. When I started planning my blog, I felt that I really wanted to write about “Welcome to Holland’ so I googled it to have another read and was surprised and intrigued to find articles such as “The Trouble with Welcome to Holland”, “What Welcome to Holland Gets Wrong” and “Why I hate Welcome to Holland”. An hour later I had done no writing but had had an interesting read of parents’ criticisms of the piece.

Being me (far too easily persuaded to question my own opinion rather than question others), my first thought was that I must have misunderstood “Welcome to Holland’. I’d got it wrong and taken comfort from something which had angered other parents of children with ASN. Why wasn’t I angry? So I read and reread the comments, read and reread the essay and decided this: I can understand the points made by those who dislike it but I think most pieces of writing are open to interpretation and when I read this it still gives me comfort because I can relate parts of it to our family situation. Maybe people at different stages on their parenting journey experience different reactions to the sentiment; “children with additional support needs” covers a massive spectrum and, while it is all relative, some families undeniably face a tougher time than others. Some readers have clearly felt that the essay downplayed the challenges they and their families face. I recognise "Welcome to Holland" isn't universally comforting. However, for me, it highlighted the importance of finding where your child can flourish. Holland may not be perfect, but it removes a great deal of stress for our son and that's all that matters.

With the complexities of "Welcome to Holland" acknowledged, I'd like to share how the

message resonated with us and how it reflects our family's story. By the time our son Jamie was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 11, we had already been living in Italy for all those years - our poor boy had masked and suffered to try to survive in a place that in many ways wasn’t right for him. So we actually had no problem with the notion of being in Holland if that was going to be better for him. No more being in Italy and trying to communicate in Dutch. We have an utterly amazing boy and I wholeheartedly agree with Emily that while Holland is not Italy, it has a whole host of other wonderful things to offer. It’s not better and it’s not worse. As Emily says, “It’s just different.” But here’s the problem: while Jamie struggled in Italy our daughter, Vaila, blossomed. Fluent in Italian, she thrived in school and embraced everything the country had to offer. This meant we found ourselves in a position not broached in the essay in that we were moving from trying to help one of our children survive in Italy to beginning a new stage of life where our children were metaphorically in two different (not even neighbouring!) countries and James and I were going to have to somehow adapt to living with a foot in each country. We are lucky that there are two of us to do the country hopping, doing this as a solo parent must be even more exhausting. It does however mean that James and I are often in two different countries.

The other point which really made me reflect was “But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." It’s true that many of our friends were reporting back from Italy where their children were happy and living the life their parents had imagined. For some of them it’s hard to understand what it’s like in Holland and they feel awkward about asking, inevitably resulting in fading relationships which is sad. However, we have been very fortunate that we already had some great friends in Holland and we have been able to help each other navigate the place and appreciate all that is wonderful about it. We’re meeting new people in Holland all the time. Some of them are our guides and for some of the newer arrivals we can be the guides. It seems there’s quite an influx of people who have been struggling in Italy now accepting that maybe Holland is actually a better place for their children. There is no regret for us. None whatsoever. Arriving in Holland has given us freedom to create a new normal for our family and to design a life we love. We spent far too much time trying to conform in Italy but Holland has shown us that we don’t need to do this anymore.

Having reflected on other comments about the essay, I do feel a bit uneasy about the

suggestion that landing in Holland is something of a disappointment and that the pain of not being in Italy will “never, ever, ever, ever go away”. I would be devastated for Jamie to think that was the case because it really isn’t. In fact, the pain that will never leave me is the pain of looking back on how he struggled and suffered, particularly at school, while he was stuck in Italy. I think that both of our kids know that I want to see as much of the world as I can so I consider myself incredibly lucky that as a family we have been given this opportunity to spend time in and learn about two countries. What a privilege! Yes, sometimes it can be

tough in Holland but no one is going to convince me that living in Italy does not come

with its own challenges. Sure, country hopping between Holland and Italy is exhausting but

it’s absolutely worth it to see each of our children getting to be where they are happy.

Sometimes we all spend time in Italy or Holland together so they each experience elements of each others’ preferred territory and neither country is alien to any of us. And I can vouch for the fact that being in Holland where our amazing boy can be his wonderful self is far

preferable to trying to struggle on in Italy.

I’d love to read your thoughts on “Welcome to Holland”, please leave a comment below.

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Welcome To Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

Copyright©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. 

All rights reserved. 

Reprinted by permission of the author.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It's like this……

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans.  The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.”

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."  

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.