A Controversial Podcast
Have you ever thought that working mums are just selfish? I’ve just listened to a podcast which states exactly that. This is one of those posts that I’m diving into without knowing exactly where it’s going to go or whether I’ll actually publish it. I don’t like to rock the boat you see, and there’s a risk that aspects of this piece could be controversial. But let’s see what happens…
I listen to several podcasts each week but this one stopped me in my tracks. There were a few points where I had to rewind to be sure of what I had heard. The podcast in question is The Diary of a CEO with guest Erika Komisar, an author, psychoanalyst and child attachment expert. Within the first few minutes I knew that I was going to write a blog post inspired by what I was listening to.
This post will focus on just a small part of the podcast, as the two-hour episode covers everything from the role of fathers to international disparities in family support. To address all of it would require a book, so here I’ll focus on Komisar’s claim that mothers who work are damaging their children.
The Complexities of Modern Parenting Choices
However you choose to parent your kids, someone is going to have an opinion about how you should be doing it differently. Recently I’ve been noticing some tension on social media between stay at home mums (SAHMs) and working mums. There seems to be some competition over who has the hardest life when, as far as I’m concerned, opting into either of those categories is not going to automatically earn you the “hardest life” badge. There are far too many other contributing factors. What I would say is that I suspect working mums are having to carry a bit more mum guilt than stay at home mums. And if you’re a working mum, let me warn you - this podcast will do nothing to alleviate that guilt!
Stay at Home Mums
Listening as a stay at home mum, I found myself quite shocked at some of the language being used in relation to working mothers - words such as selfish and abandoned. I found myself wondering how I would feel listening to this if I were a working mum. And then I remembered - only a few years ago I was a working mum. While I’ve been fortunate (and I do see myself as fortunate) enough to be able to work part time since having children, I did work for many years. If all that Erika Komisar says is to be believed, that means I’ll have caused damage to my own children. Interestingly, despite her claims, Erika herself returned to part time work when her babies were six months old, supported by a nanny.
It was always my wish to be a stay-at-home mum. A lot of what Komisar said resonated with me, especially about the importance of having the mother present during critical brain development periods between 0-3 years and 9-25 years. I loved those early days with my babies, watching them grow, learn, and being with them as much as possible.
Komisar is a strong advocate for mothers staying home to ensure their children form secure attachments, which are vital for building healthy, balanced relationships later in life.
Working Mums and the Inconvenient Truth
Now, working mums - are you ready for what was termed the “inconvenient truths?” According to Komisar, you are abandoning your children, selfishly prioritising your careers, material successes and personal desires over your children. Harsh? I thought so! She goes on to state that, at some point in the future, these “abandoned” children are going to break down. A sobering and frightening listen for anyone balancing kids and work.
There’s constant conversation about the undeniable mental health crisis affecting people of all ages, including children and teenagers. (You can read more about it here.) While some blame the COVID-19 epidemic, social media or the education system, this podcast points the finger of blame at mothers who work, particularly if they use daycare to look after their young children.
Raising Children In Institutions
Discussion of children being placed in “institutional daycare” grabbed my attention. Hearing this made me reflect on my own experiences, both as a mother and as an early years professional in Scotland. Having spent over half of my teaching career in early years, this wasn't the first time I found myself considering whether, as a society, we’re getting it right for our kids.
I can only speak of experience in early years education in Scotland where A Blueprint For 2020: The Expansion Of Early Learning And Childcare In Scotland was my bible as we transitioned from increasing entitlement from 600 hours to 1140 hours per year for three and four year olds as well as eligible two year olds. The document was a guide to professionals in the early years education to ensure a high quality experience for children and families, affording children “the best possible start in life”.
I recall one afternoon in particular, in the midst of a busy nursery with 60 children, trying to comfort a distraught child who’s mummy had just left. I found myself wondering if this was really the best place for such young children to be. Was it what I wanted for my own children? If not, I was in the fortunate position of having a shift working husband and my mum who was able and willing to look after the kids if we were both at work.
Is it really a choice for all?
Not all parents have another option if they are to make ends meet. It could also be argued that, for some children, a childcare setting is the best environment for them. In fact, research suggests that for some children, particularly those from disadvantaged backgrounds, high-quality childcare can provide significant long-term benefits. The UK’s Sure Start programme, for example, was found to reduce hospital admissions, improve educational attainment, and even lower crime rates later in life.
While Erika Komisar is keen for children to be cared for by family members if mothers do “choose” to work, I found myself thinking about the ever increasing retirement age which means that many grandparents are now unavailable to help with childcare as they themselves are still members of the workforce. The other issue which I know many families face is distance between themselves and extended family. Erika’s view was that moving away from family was another selfish choice.
Where I Struggle
Where I struggle with this podcast episode is that I genuinely don’t believe that working or not working is a choice for many mothers. For many working mums I know, they have to work, whether they are single parents or part of a couple. In contrast to previous generations, it has become normal for both parents to work to maintain a desirable standard of living. The Office for National Statistics reports that in 2019, three-quarters of mothers with dependent children were in work, up from two-thirds at the start of the century.
Most of my mum-friends are dedicated to their kids, but they also have jobs. They work hard to support their families financially while keeping their children as their top priority. I’m curious to hear what they think about Komisar’s claims regarding them.
The Mental Health Crisis
I suppose there is an element of choice for some. Do you need the foreign holidays every year, the new car, or the big house? Or could you lose a salary in favour of staying at home as this podcast guest implores us to?
But if you did this would you feel unhappy, resentful even? That’s surely not going to have a positive effect on children.
I imagine that many of you reading this are currently asking the same question: What about single mums or mums who are part of a couple but are struggling to meet basic needs despite working? Or what about mums who adore their children but also feel the need to look after their own mental health, to go after things they want for themselves? We do only get one chance at life, is it wrong to want to make the most of it?
Let’s not forget that Komisar’s concern is the current mental health crisis. I think it’s important to consider the mental health of everyone - parents as well as children. While leaving the working world was a positive move for my own mental health, various research has found that paid employment can have mental health benefits: for many women, work can provide financial security, personal fulfillment and social connections. Can we really say that it’s selfish to want, or need, these things? Is it fair to criticise a mother for trying to protect her mental health?
Selfish Mums
Previously I’ve written about trying to prioritise my own self-care so that I can be the person my children need me to be. This involves dedicating some time to pursuing my own interests and even travelling without my children.
All the professionals I’ve spoken with and all the experts I’ve followed have stressed the importance of parents looking after themselves, often using the analogies of putting on your own lifejacket first and being unable to pour from an empty cup. Komisar is the first person I’ve heard to suggest that this is actually a selfish act.
She might accept that me having a little bit of time to myself isn’t going to harm my children. However, what would she say about the years when I worked. Thinking back, I do regret that for some of my working years, I worked long days with a long commute and, if I’m really honest, I let one particular role dominate my life. I admit that there were times when I may have been at home but wasn’t really present for my family. So I have to carry some mum guilt for that period.
No Escaping the Mother’s Guilt
Don’t think for one moment that being a stay at home mum means a guilt free existence! As Erika Komisar urges, I have prioritised my children and am physically and mentally present for them pretty much all the time. That has come at significant financial cost and despite knowing that it is the right thing for our family right now, I still carry the weight of having been the one who gave up a salary.
I know that my teenage kids value having me at home. My daughter has told me several times how much she loves the fact that I’m here when she gets home from school. Being a stay at home mum has also allowed me to support my son through autistic burnout, exploring different opportunities with him and just being there for him. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel sad or guilty when I can’t provide the same financial privileges other families can offer.
In saying that, I’m mighty proud that my girl recognises the value of me being at home and always says she would choose that over having my salary back. Maybe some of my guilt also comes from the fact that I desperately wanted to leave my job because of the impact it was having on my mental health. I’m benefiting from the stay at home arrangement as well.
Who really decides?
Taking into account all that Erika Komisar has to say about mums abandoning their children to earn money, I was interested when she went on to discuss the role of governments who have the power to influence what families can and can’t do. Everyone needs money to live, and it’s often governments who decide how much we can access.
I was shocked to hear that the US offers no paid maternity leave whereas in the UK, I was able to take advantage of nine months paid leave with each of my babies. Estonia has the most generous maternity leave, offering over a year at full salary. But even in Estonia, the country faces mental health challenges, leading me to wonder if Komisar might be placing too much blame on working parents.
Parenting is hard, full of sacrifices, and I don’t think anyone should be shamed for making choices that work for their family. From where I’m sitting, the real issue isn’t whether mums work or stay home - it’s whether society gives them the support they need to make that choice freely. My own view is that all adults are strongly encouraged, required even, to join the workforce resulting in more mothers and children being separated. Perhaps more mothers would stay at home with their children if society provided greater support?
And the answer is…?
So, there we have it: whether you go to work to provide your family with the life you wish for them or stay at home, you’re giving up either time, money or freedom - the things most of us desire. And whichever parenting route you take, you’re most probably going to feel guilt and have doubts over whether you’re doing the right thing by your child. Erika herself stated that parenting is difficult, exhausting and frustrating and I believe that’s true whether you have a job or not. It’s also true that it’s the best and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done - that has been the case when I’ve been a working mum as well as now that I’m a stay at home mum.
I felt I should spend some time learning more about Komisar and her views. People either love or hate her perspective. While she raises important points based on science, there’s also evidence that contradicts some of her claims.
I agree that secure attachment is incredibly important, and Komisar raises valid concerns. However, I think the debate over whether mums should work is far more complex than she suggests. In 2025, is our society truly supportive of mothers who want to stay at home? I don't think it is. Rather than supporting mothers to make choices, it seems society's leaders are opting to increase funding for the childcare options criticised by Komisar. I wish that she had chosen less negative language in her interview - I don't think any working mothers need any extra guilt thrown at them. I do, however, appreciate that Komisar does also acknowledge the lack of societal support for those raising children to make their choices.
I know that me and my children (and even my husband) are much happier now that I’m a stay at home mum. But it worries me to hear it touted as the right thing for all, the only way to be a good parent. I believe every family should have the freedom to choose without societal pressure. Unfortunately, for many mums today, that choice simply doesn’t exist.
Have you been a stay at home mum or a working mum and how have you found the experience? Would you change it?
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