Am I An Introvert?

What makes you ask?

Do you ever wonder if the way others see you matches who you really are?

Most of you who are reading this don’t know me. Some of you think you do. And a few of you actually know me. Really know me.

I’m probably known by most people to be a fairly quiet person, never the outgoing life and soul of the party. 

But recently I’ve found myself pondering whether or not I’m an introvert. It was while attending an online masterclass on Personal Branding for Introverts that it occurred to me that perhaps I should try to find out if I am actually an introvert. I had signed up because I thought the session would be helpful for my blog and was being delivered by someone I’ve been enjoying following on social media. The fact that it was aimed at introverts interested me but wasn’t my reason for signing up.

Once the course was underway, it occurred to me that perhaps I was a bit of a daftie signing up for this course without even having established that I am an introvert. I was further intrigued when I told my family about the course and none of them felt that Introvert was the correct label for me. A conversation ensued about the definitions of introvert and extrovert. I am quite confident that I’m not an extrovert but not wholly convinced that I’m an introvert either. So come with me as I try to figure out whether or not I am an introvert….

What is an introvert?

The Oxford Dictionary definition of an introvert is: a shy, reticent person. Over the past few weeks I’ve enjoyed delving deeper into learning about introversion and found that there’s an awful lot more to it than the dictionary definition offers.

My research brought me to the website introvertdear.com which offered a bit more in its definition: someone who prefers calm, minimally stimulating environments. 

Contradictions and Confusion

So surely an introvert couldn’t love going to concerts as I do and wouldn't feel at peace in a bustling city yet here I am longing for London.

However, the author goes on to add that, “Introverts tend to feel drained after socialising and regain their energy by spending time alone.”

This had me wracking my brain to recall various events and situations, trying to remember whether I felt overstimulated and needed quiet time to recover. Maybe I haven’t been aware because I’ve naturally had that time. Each London trip ends with the, often solo, journey home. Although there are strangers all around, I am able to be in my own head, not required to talk or socialise. Concerts are most often at night so afterwards I would usually be heading to bed anyway, giving me time to regain energy.

So why do I feel that to declare myself NOT an introvert is just…incorrect?

How could I not after a lifetime of being told I’m quiet, I worry too much and I lack confidence?  I don’t think I ever had a school report that didn’t mention that I needed to speak up more in class. I even had one high school teacher tell me I was too quiet to become a teacher.

Most of my school memories would point me in the direction of answering with a resounding YES to being an introvert. I would sit in classes knowing answers or having ideas but never having the confidence to share them for fear of what others would think. I took this trait into my career with me, regularly sitting in meetings too nervous to speak out while simultaneously panicking about the fact that I would be seen to be not contributing enough. 

The course I attended as well as some online chat with the facilitator and motivational speaker, Sam Sheppard, helped me to confirm my view that on the continuum I would definitely be placed towards the Introvert end. It seems I’m in good company there with the likes of Bill Gates, Nelson Mandela and Albert Einstein.

What is an extrovert?

Having settled on this conclusion that I probably am an introvert, further conversation with the people who know me best, to be really honest, only left me more confused. I had set out to prove or disprove to myself that I am an introvert but was only getting more confused the further I investigated, I decided that I also needed to do some research into what it means to be an extrovert….because if I’m not an introvert then surely that would make me an extrovert?

“An outgoing, socially confident person” is the definition provided by the Oxford Dictionary. That does not feel like a description I would give myself. Yet, my nearest and dearest were more inclined to err towards this than the Introvert label and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was uncomfortable with this. While increasingly I’m seeing more and more people celebrating introversion, I’ve definitely picked up a hint of animosity towards extroverts - almost as though they're the competition, or even the enemy.

Mara Wilson, childhood star of Matilda and Mrs Doubtfire, has always considered herself an extrovert. Writing in The Guardian last year, she shared her concerns about the reputation of extroverts:

“Did being an extrovert mean I was loud, obnoxious, pushy and just generally bad company by nature? That there was no way I could change? I’d embraced being an extrovert, but being disliked for who you are never feels good.”

The word obnoxious and pushy hit a nerve with me. They’re undesirable characteristics and I fear that I myself would previously have attached them to some extroverts. This made me wonder if that was why I was so reluctant to accept that I may not be an introvert - is the alternative being thought of as obnoxious? 

I also have vivid memories of peers both in school and in work places whom I would have described as extroverts because they spoke out all the time - even when it seemed their contributions weren’t even relevant in the moment. They just wanted to be seen and heard. Or so I assumed at the time. Now I wonder if some of them were actually masking. Did they feel that they had to do this; to hide their introverted tendencies because it was seen as a deficit?

The Neuroscience

Mara Wilson’s comment about being an extrovert “by nature” prompted me to delve further into the biology behind what determines our introverted or extroverted characteristics and I was fascinated to learn that there are physical differences found in the brains of introverts and extroverts.

The larger pre-frontal cortex found in the brains of introverts causes the tendency for introspection, deep thinking and creativity, while longer neural pathways mean that introverts often need more processing time. This made me think of all those meetings where I sat in a panic because I wasn’t saying enough. I just needed more thinking time. Introverts also tend to be more sensitive to dopamine meaning causing them to become overstimulated and in need of quiet time to recharge after socialising or events.

Masking and Perceptions

Reflecting on others' perception of me now, I realise that those who questioned the label of Introvert for me are the people who actually know the real me; the people I’m not having to wear a mask around. And among them I probably am more outgoing and confident.

But there have been many people, oh so many people, around whom I have had to wear a mask. I think most of us wear a mask at times but, with hindsight, I think I may have worn mine to the extent that it became exhausting. We commonly talk about the term masking in relation to neurodivergent individuals who often try to suppress or hide neurodiverse traits but that doesn’t mean only the neurodiverse feel the need to mask. 

My teenage daughter joined in the debate with “I feel like you’re an introvert but you’re quite good at pretending to be an extrovert.” And maybe she just hit the nail on the head! I can do quite a good impression of a swan. Just as they can look serene gliding along while underneath the surface their legs are paddling away furiously, I can smile and appear calm despite my internal panic, agonising over things that I’ve said (or not said) and worrying about what people were thinking of me. 

We’re all still people!

My research and my own personal experience has highlighted to me that being an introvert is not a deficit, although it has felt that way at times. The world needs both introverts and extroverts. A long time sufferer of Imposter Syndrome, I was of the opinion that my quieter nature and lack of confidence ruled me out of leadership roles - I didn’t even think I was good enough at the job I had. While being an introvert can stand in the way of career progression, I’ve been fortunate enough to have some emotionally intelligent bosses who appreciated my introverted qualities.

Do I actually need to decide?

Would it be terrible to write a blog titled “Am I an Introvert?” without actually answering that question? A total cop out to declare myself an ambivert? Only, I fear that’s what is happening here…If I’m totally honest, I think I had expected to conclude that I am an introvert. In fact after listening to a podcast last week, I was quite certain I was. 

Looking for further clarification, I felt obliged to complete some of the many online tests which promised to determine my personality type. Without having ascertained the legitimacy of these tests, I’m inclined to agree with their findings that I would be described as an extroverted introvert - or an ambivert.

Carl Jung, the psychiatrist who coined the terms introvert and extrovert in the 1920's, found that many people didn’t fit into either type. These people are known as ambiverts, meaning, they exhibit a mix of both introverted and extroverted traits. 

While I know of others who have found it helpful to be able to identify themselves as one or the other, I’m left wondering how much it really matters to me. Perhaps this mix of introvert and extrovert traits are just a part of me - they don’t have to define who I am and I hope that having a mix will help me to relate to others wherever they sit on the spectrum. 

Whether we’re an introvert, an extrovert or a bit of a mixture, I think it’s important to remember that at the end of the day, we’re all just people trying to get along and figure each other and ourselves out.

Join My Mailing List