Alone, not lonely
“Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”, the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s song, “Stronger”, are playing on repeat in my head as I write this (I’m sorry if the song is now also stuck in your head!)
For most of my life, I would have disagreed with her. Being alone absolutely did equate to being lonely as far as I was concerned.. But as I reflect on my evolving attitude towards time alone, I’ve come to realise that this is no longer the case.
Norma No-Mates
In my school days, being seen on your own was quite the social faux-pas. You would instantly be labelled a “Norma/Norman No-Mates”. Even if you had an army of friends, the thought of being seen alone and assumed to be friendless was the ultimate shame. Hence the meticulous planning as teenagers to meet before going anywhere so that we would arrive together rather than alone. Imagine if you’d had to wait for your friend in front of other people!
Now, as I embrace moments of solitude in midlife, I can laugh at the memory and would think nothing of wandering around on my own. So what’s brought about this change?
The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely
Before going any further, I want to explore the difference between being alone and being lonely. Once again, my podcasts have offered some clarification on this.
Speaking on The Mel Robbins Podcast (episode 255), Dr Aditi Nerurkar, a Harvard Medical School lecturer and expert on stress and mental health explained: Being alone is a physical state; being physically on your own.
Being lonely, on the other hand, she describes as an emotional experience. You can of course be lonely while being physically alone but could equally be lonely in a huge crowd of people or even in a relationship. It’s about feeling disconnected from others. In a world where we are designed to be part of a community, feeling lonely can be detrimental to both our mental and physical health. It has been found to contribute to depression, increased risk of heart disease and diabetes and a weakened immune system. In fact, Dr Aditi describes loneliness as a “Global Epidemic". Various sources including Dr Aditi and The British Psychological Society highlight the fact that loneliness can be as damaging to our health as smoking is.
A Global Epidemic
I was intrigued to hear from Dr Aditi that studies have found that 78% of 18-25 year olds in the US are struggling with loneliness. I could relate to this - during this stage in my life I was certainly affected by loneliness. At this point James used to work night shifts. I dreaded those night shifts and the prospect of a lonely evening trying to distract myself by surrounding myself with soap characters on TV and junk food - anything to stop my brain from allowing anxiety mode to kick into action.
I would always have to have the radio on “for company”. Music was not enough - I needed to feel that there were people there chatting to me. My long suffering husband even recalls how he lost the ability to sleep while I was driving because I complained of being lonely!
While loneliness can persist into parenthood with 65% of parents reportedly experiencing it, I was fortunate to have strong friendships and meaningful connections during this phase. It probably helped that I was starting a family at a time when technology allowed me to feel connected with my friends who were going through the same thing. My friend and I were able to have text conversations at 3am while up with babies for night feeds. Without this, I suspect I would have found those nights lonely. I don’t know about you, but I tend to find nighttime is the loneliest time of all.
In more recent years I’ve made the same discovery as many other parents of children with additional support needs: feeling that you are alone in your experiences can be an emotionally lonely journey, no matter how many people you have around you. As Dr Aditi stated, we can be lonely even in a crowd.
Micro-Connections
Considering the topic of loneliness brought to mind one of the first podcasts I listened to several years ago. Dr Rangan Chatterjee introduced me to the concept of micro-connections, those little snippets of conversation or exchanges with strangers or casual acquaintances; other dog walkers, parents at the school gates and shop staff. Since then I have really valued these micro-connections in my own day, sometimes because I feel I benefit from them and other times because I’m aware that the other person could be in need of some connection in their day. Being social is, after all, part of human biology.
Benefits of Alone Time
While I’ve learned to appreciate these moments of connection, I’ve also discovered the value of stepping away into solitude. In contrast to my younger self who would never have opted to spend time alone, that solitude which once seemed unbearable now feels like a gift - a real treat!
With so much talk about the dangers of loneliness, I was curious to learn more about how we can benefit from some solitude without being at risk of becoming part of the loneliness epidemic.
Research by Professor Netta Weinstein of Reading University reported in 2023 that participants in both the UK and US found periods of solitude to be a calming experience with reduced stress and a feeling of freedom. This piqued my interest - freedom is what I want!
The crucial finding I took from this research was that, to be beneficial, time alone is beneficial when it is a choice. Enforced solitude was forced upon so many people during the Covid epidemic and it’s been widely documented that this was not beneficial to the mental wellbeing of a great number of people.
I understand that the time I spend alone is a choice which is why it is a beneficial thing for me. If at any point I were to feel that loneliness was in danger of encroaching on my alone time, I have the luxury of being able to go home to my family.
I Want to Be Alone!
The findings of Professor Weinstein’s study resonates deeply with me. When I’m alone now I feel I have time to think - to process life. I also have the freedom to spend my time in the way I choose and can change this with total autonomy.
If you’re a child of the eighties like me, you might remember the famous advert for Viscount biscuits? It consisted of a posh lady declaring in (I think!) a German accent, “I vant to be alone!” That’s me now! Increasingly I find myself craving some alone time and I wanted to unpick the reasons for this. Why have I gone from despising any time on my own to craving it?
Most parents will probably relate. When you have children, the majority of your time is no longer your own. This is not a complaint. It’s exactly what I signed up for and I wouldn’t change a thing. I am, however, starting to see that building some alone time into my week is not just beneficial to me but feels like an important aspect of my self-care.
Having a child unable to attend school full time means that I don’t have time to myself during the school day as some parents do. I’m truly grateful that I am able to spend so much time with my boy but I’m only human and sometimes I do need to just be on my own with my own thoughts and no need to speak to anyone. Having researched for my last article, Am I An Introvert?, this now makes sense to me. Of course, the mum guilt manages to creep in but I'm finally learning that it's alright to look after my own needs as well.
The more time I spend alone, the more confident I feel about trying new experiences on my own. With no fear of being branded a “Norma No Mates” I can now confidently enter a cafe and sit on my own. I’ll happily take long walks on my own, board a plane alone and am now tentatively exploring the possibility of attempting solo travel - something I never thought I would have any interest in doing! And when I see others on their own, I no longer feel sad or concerned for them. Rather, I’m curious about what their story is!
Loneliness and solitude may be connected but I’ve learned that they can equally be worlds apart. Learning to embrace time alone has been transformative for me. It’s a chance for self reflection, discovery and personal growth.
Is it just me? Have you experienced a change in your attitude towards solitude? Perhaps, in our noisy, hyper-connected world, we need it more than ever. It turns out Kelly was right about me all along - “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”.
Another thought-provoking article.